jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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