Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
