the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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