So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
