this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
