i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
