Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
