Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
