I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
