Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
