He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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