I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
A+ Viking dick
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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