I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
