Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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