if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i was born a porn star she said
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
