The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
