gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Liz is crying about burritos again.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
