I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
