But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
