Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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