I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
