Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just saw a hot homeless man
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
