I think I died a long time ago.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
