you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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