i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
