i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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