I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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