pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
