i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
