i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
