i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
