I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
