Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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