yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
