Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
