I CAN MOONWALK!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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