yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
