I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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