well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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