dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
