I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
