he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
