He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
