just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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