First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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