Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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