Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
