I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
