Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
