I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
